“Have you found her?” I heard Lila ask me that for the fifteenth time that day. “No,” I replied. “Have you looked inside the closet?” She asked for the fifth time. “Yes,” I said. It was so easy to lie to her. The truth is that I wasn’t even looking. The truth is that Rose didn’t want to be found… at least not yet. The truth is that I was the one to lock Rose in the closet.
If you’ve read this far, you’re wondering who I’m talking about. Well, I’m talking about me. The “I” is of course me. Lila is also me. And the one I’ve locked inside the closet is me as well. You must think I’m a self obsessed person. No, I’m certainly not. OK, maybe just a little. I hadn’t planned to split my existence into three. The plan was for two. And the plan was in place merely to simplify life.
If I did something right, I would take it in my stride. No praises for me, please. After all, I’m not a conceited person and should not revel in my glory. If something went wrong, I would take complete responsibility. That sometimes got overbearing. The easier thing to do was to open the closet door. Rose was always eager to take negative moments from my hands and I shut the door very quickly.
But then Lila came along to disturb the balance. First she knocked softly and then a little harder and now she bangs very hard. She keeps telling me to find Rose. I contemplated opening the door to push Lila in. But I’m scared. If I open the closet door too wide or for too long, will some moments escape and look at me in the face? It can’t already be time for me to deal with everything I had put away! I’ve even forgotten what all I stashed in there. What will come out when I open the closet? Will I be able to deal with all of them?
Years Later
I spent a lot of time working on myself. I realized (maybe very late, or maybe just in time) that I had the tendency to block out negative moments. I used to think that not thinking about them would make them disappear. However, negative moments don’t get wiped off automatically. They have a way of piling up… and getting worse with passing time… like a malignant tumor that eats away into your system.
I also realized that when you block things out, happiness slips away too. And with that, you make yourself prone to bloodsucking creatures, like low self esteem and depression.
Today
Today, I believe that:
Negative moments:
• Are not a bad thing. There are there to teach us something.
• Have to be dealt with. They can not be escaped. We need to grow beyond them.
Positive moments:
• Should be actively sought.
• Should be cherished… lived and relived.
Just as you would gladly share happiness, you don’t have to deal with pain alone. More often than not you will find someone to share tough moments with. All you have to do is ask.
Loved every word of this post, totally. I can connect to it as I’ve struggled with coming to accept a lot of pain in my life, particularly the loss of a loved one. So I couldn’t agree more with you when you state that negative moments are there to teach us something and we need to grow beyond them. It takes a lot of courage, commitment and conviction to grow out of it. And yes, it ’s so much lighter to bear when you’ve got a trustworthy person to share it with. Powerful, simple and touching post. As i said, I loved every word of it.
In theory one should deal with negativity as it happens…in practice one often bottles it up to be dealt with later and it keeps eroding you from within.
It takes a lot of strength to deal with it eventually and your story should give hope to many others. Though the battle would be tough the victory would justify it by far!
A beautiful lesson put in a beautiful way. While going through my own personal ordeal some time back, I also came to the conclusion that negative moments are there to give us an opportunity to learn and make us a better person. It is useless to pretend that they don’t exist. It is better to face them boldly and derive a lesson from them. Since that realization, I am at peace with myself and feel very much in control even in times of trouble. During my difficult times, I have had some good friends with whom I shared my pains and sorrows and who gave me strength to look within. This post touched my heart as it seems to speak my story and bring out my inner turmoil during my moments of self-realization.