We have all felt hurt by someone’s actions (or lack of them) at some point of time in our lives. While it is very important to express yourself when it hurts, the way you do this is extremely important. You will not get the desired results if you do not express yourself carefully.
How To Express When It Hurts
This is what I believe is the way to go about expressing yourself when hurt (Disclaimer: I could be totally wrong about this!):
Talk to Yourself When it Hurts
The first thing to do is to have a conversation with yourself. Think about the event that hurt you. Identify why are you are feeling hurt. Identify what exactly hurts you and precisely what you feel about it.
Prepare Yourself When it Hurts
Prepare yourself for the conversation with the person who has hurt you. This is probably the most difficult part, as it needs you to be objective about something that you feel strongly about. Be aware of your emotional state. If your emotions have taken over control of your mind, then you need to spend sometime with yourself. Control your emotions and get into a better state of mind.
Start Talking
When you do have the conversation with the person who has hurt you, there are three things to be conscious about:
- Avoid accusing. The moment you begin casting accusations, the other person will become defensive. Focus on what you are feeling and not what the other person did wrong or should have done better.
- Focus on joy. Talk about how happy you feel when the other person performs in the way you’d like him to.
- Focus on the future. Talk about how wonderful it would be if the other person does what you’d like him to do.
- Have faith. Express that you believe that the person will not repeat the action knowing that it hurts you. Encourage the person rather than showing hopelessness about the situation.
Expressing When It Hurts – An Example
Let me explain the aforementioned points with the help of an example. Let’s say your best friend forgot to wish you on your birthday.
Avoid Accusing
Instead of saying, “You forgot to wish me on my birthday and that really hurt me,” you could try saying, “I really missed your call on my birthday.”
Focusing on Joy
Instead of saying, “I was so miserable that you did not call me,” you could try saying, “I really love talking to you and my birthdays are more special when you call me.”
Focusing on the Future
Instead of saying, “Why didn’t you call me on my birthday,” you could try saying, “I always look forward to hearing from you on my birthday. Please do call me next time.”
Have Faith
Avoid statements like, “I can’t believe you forgot my birthday. You always do this. Am I not important enough?” Instead you could try, “I’m sure you understand how I feel and I know our friendship is as important to you as it is to me. I am sure you will call me the next time.”
So, when it hurts, you needn’t bottle it up inside and let it simmer. Get it out. But be careful not to give more importance to your hurt feelings than to the person you are talking to.
I think this post is really valid and well-written. When I look back into situations that have hurt me, I realize that although I have prepared myself for objective conversations mentally, it is difficult to be objective about it because I am an emotional person. Some core values, like trust, once it is violated, becomes very difficult to be objective about, even at the workplace. Like you said , being aware is really important because it helps to calm the emotional state so that they don’t burst out in a volcanic way. However,what helps me most is when I pray and spend time with myself alone because I realize that so much in this world is lost and gained by words exchanged and if I can make the world a better place, let me do my role and may God guide me to give it my best. This helps me to see the world and God with serene interconnection than as a conflict zone.
thanks, Swapna. Yes, I have often got into trouble because I was spontaneous and acted without thinking a thought through. It’s very important at times to give things enough thought. I really liked this part of your comment “This helps me to see the world and God with serene interconnection than as a conflict zone.”