Under the pretext of being good parents, we sometimes do great damage to the morale, spirit and confidence of our children.
Must Distrust
The easiest way to destroy your child’s spirit is to distrust him/her.
A Chinese proverb says “The surest way to get a man to steal is to call him a thief.” If you want your child to always tell you the truth, trust him/her to do that. Your child will not break the trust. When I catch my daughter lying to me, I would do three things – (1) talk to her about the damage that broken trust can cause (2) Reassure her that I still love her (3) Tell her that I’m confident she won’t do it again. Your confidence can do wonders for your child.
Compare to Spread Despair
Often parents compare their children with each other or with other children. This is detrimental to your child’s mental health.
Why do parents compare? I think it’s an attempt to motivate our kids to emulate what we consider as ideal children. Mostly, this strategy backfires. My daughter should not have to try to be as good as anyone else. She should only try to be the best that she can. Only appreciation has the power to prepare our kids for higher achievements.
Hard-sell Normalcy
Parents sometimes try to carve their children into the same mold. Unknowingly, we crush their dreams.
Every child is unique… with unique qualities, abilities, interests, dreams and aspirations. Give time to your children to understand their dreams and interests. Ridicule their aspirations and you’ve probably managed to discourage your child from dreaming again. Their dreams may be significantly different from what you consider “normal.” Some children have different talents. They dance to the beats of a different drummer. Let them explore themselves and discover what they really love to do.
Fight for Blight
An atmosphere of continuous stress, bickering and loud quarrels can crush your child. Domestic violence can achieve that faster than any speeding car.
If you want your child to be happy, stay happy yourself. Avoid quarreling in front of your kids… even small fights are downright scary for them.
Expect and Regret
Having the wrong expectations can destroy your child.
Parents often expect their children to be “responsible,” sometimes without even defining the word. Shouldn’t a child just be expected to give their best in whatever they have chosen to pursue? I expect my daughter to discover herself, be committed to her dreams, concretize her value system and have faith in herself and universe.
Because I said so…
Parents often do not have the time to explain their decisions to kids. Our children are expected to take our word for law. The atmosphere we then create is not one of logic and healthy discussion, but one of power play.
Excellent!!! Why, you ask me? Because I said so…
I just want to add my own 2p bit – the key is communication. The more you speak with each other and the more you listen to the other will always lay the foundation of a strong bond. Always. Just remember to keep an open mind. We were all 6, 16, 26… once and we all thought our parents had no clue about what our generation wants. So listen without mentally arguing with what you hear.
Quite a thought-provoking post. I wonder how much of this gap between parents and children is constituted purely by generation gap. The issues you have raised are quite big. However, isn’t the build up that leads towards each of them a result of poor communication arising out of gap in understanding the issues faced by the other party?
Also, I feel that some of these issues can come up irrespective of the relationship, and even the generation. Even your friend can expect you to be as normal as him or her. And, that can be equally influencing as that in the case of a parent. What do you think?
Thank you, Romila and Ankit.
@Ankit: Yes, the generation gap arises because of the lack of communication. And yes, these issues could be a part of any relationship. However, when it comes to a parent-child relationship, it is very crucial. Our childhood experiences lays the foundation of our personality to a large extent… self esteem, confidence and belief in the basic goodness of people. Children absorb a lot from their parents and surroundings and they can be shaped easily. Of course, these are generalizations and sometimes friends and other relatives play an equally influencing role in our lives.
what bothers me more is “Under the pretext of being good parents”
I believe every parent remains a well-wisher of his child throughout his or her life… the problem is that, yes, they may be unaware of the fact that what they are wishing is actually doing no good for their children. So, how does one get them out of this illusion?
You’re right. “Pretext” is probably too harsh. In fact, it is a wrong word to use here. What i really meant was that parents sometimes damage their child, while still believing they are doing the right thing or that they are good parents. For instance, when a parent tells a child to be “normal” he/she is doing it with the child’s wellbeing in mind. However, they could be unknowingly distancing themselves from the child, crushing the child’s dreams and adversely impacting the child’s confidence level.
The problem is the lack of communication and the solution lies therein. My post was an attempt to reach out to parents and get them to think. Often kids are unable to take the initiative to bridge this gap because:
1. They may be too young
2. The relationship gets defined as one where the parties do not understand each other
3. They may feel their parents are right in doing those things and that they themselves are “flawed” in some way
I think it is the parents who need to take the first step to bridging the gap. You cant suddenly start talking to your kids when they are 18 and expect to understand them. You need to begin talking to them when they are 2, so that you are in constant touch with them and their thoughts.
I think I rambled on for too long, Ankit. It’s just that I feel saddened when parents do not think about how their words or actions could be impacting their children. I feel saddened when I see brilliant kids being forced into the mould of “normalcy.” I feel saddened when kids spend years thinking they are not good enough. I think I should write another post about it
what do you say?
I say “GOOD IDEA”