Where does it all go when there are things left unsaid or unresolved that make you feel incomplete inside? Trust me on this one but everything that has ever been left incomplete just hangs around staying incomplete. In the world of words, things left unsaid remain until they find an opportunity (through you) to get said. I hope you haven’t but here is the best example of incompleteness; if you have a dead loved one whom you wish you could say something to but cannot because they are gone.
I had a sister who passed away, since she was before my time, I grew up wondering what it would have been like if she was still around. There were things I desperately wanted to say to her about how the family felt and changed after her, and how we still thought and spoke of her. Some more whimsical things about how things would have been different if she was around. I lived on so, with these things inside me which had nowhere to go or no one to listen to.
I have also seen people estranged from their families with no intentions of ever getting together again go through life and was always struck by how they seemed unaware of what was missing in them. I believe that people always carry their problems with them, in one way or the other.
Even if they leave their problems behind, they cannot help but carry the part of them which has been shaped by the problem. The pain of dealing with problems contributes to our identity and sense of self.
Now Stop Talking To Yourself And Listen!
Now step back and see life as a never-ending conversation you are constantly having with everyone around you and even with yourself, inside of your own head. The part within the mind is also known as ‘internal dialogue.’
The two most pertinent things to internal dialogue in this conversation we are having (You are reading this, aren’t you?) is the fact that we are always the central character in the story of our lives. You won’t mind agreeing to that but you will certainly deny it when I tell you that the central character in the story of our lives is usually or naturally a tragic one.
It’s not anyone’s fault. Just look at our cultures, arts and literature; tragedies are considered seriously while comic material is never taken seriously. Even sad old Hindi film songs are considered more meaningful than a current peppy and happy song. It’s not like you cannot change the plot in the story of your life from a tragic to a happy one. You just have to empathically and positively do so.
Yet everyday we come across people with the same old problems. The impossible diet, the hometown in the hills they miss so terribly, the brother they never got in touch with for the past twenty years, the way the people they stay with are treating them, their salary, their mother-in-law, their city, their planet…all things they are continually grumbling about or smarting under but haven’t done a thing to fix. Ever wonder why they carry on the way they do? Ever wonder why you are happy to live with an obvious problem rather than solve it? You might want to take it slowly at this point and read this bit again just to be sure you are getting what I describe.
Albert Einstein Ko Relativity Kyon Aata Hai?
Well, they do not change because they are getting something out of it. Sometimes they know what little kickback or reward they get from putting up with a problem but usually they do not. Albert Einstein once remarked that ‘we cannot solve our problems at the same level of thinking at which we found them.’
It takes brutal honesty with yourself to tell yourself that you are not dieting because you have not got the discipline (or maybe the motivation). You never went back to the hometown in the hills because you cannot stand the narrow-minded folks back there and enjoy the lifestyle which a city pay-packet can afford you. You broke contact with your brother in the first place and you dread apologizing. You can always try and fix your salary but that would mean hard work, humility or quitting for a bigger salary…until in the end it is just too convenient to dump toxic waste in the garbage pail, in a drain, in river, in the ocean, you name it. It would be scary to be responsible for the entire planet.
Ever chucked a pair of Duracell batteries away? Well, try and imagine what nickel and cadmium can do to your skin on contact. Better we just dump this here and let it be Somebody Else’s Problem* which means no matter what happens, we ignore it. If we try and do something about it we just might have to change. Change our situation, location, our idea of what is right and wrong, our idea of who we are, our relationship with another person, our instinctive reaction to hit back and ‘who-do-they-think-they-are’ ego-based responses.
Too much about your problems, eh? Maybe I need to put my ego aside here and make a confession just to reassure you. If you must know, my secret is that I do not know how to drive a car. I never learnt, so that is also behind my whole biker stance in life. Anyway, enough about me and internal dialogue, let’s get to the part which is outside our heads; that concerning the rest of the world and the people around us.
So What To Do Besides Mind It?
Now let’s quickly wrap up a couple of crucial continuums. We need to be aware what is behind our thoughts, words and actions. For example, the salesman who is meeting targets is sure to do worse than the one who is out to convince the client that his product is just what the client needed.
Let me try and convince you a little further. IF what is behind your conversation with another person is a desperate need to make yourself right, then everything that the other person says will be judged by you and used to prove yourself right. IF you are out to prove the other person wrong, you shall filter out all but those bits that give you a better argument. However, you sincerely listen with an open mind; both you and the other person learn something. Sometimes, you can still do the same actions, but if you adjust what is behind you, you can actually change the outcome.
Still not convinced because you tried it and it did not work? That is because you did not give it enough commitment. Yes, that’s right. Before the hard work comes the commitment to hard work.
Sometimes the commitment to hard work is really hard work but seriously, quite a few people we consider great in the history of the world have kept themselves committed over a period of years and sometimes in impossible conditions or situations. That is the power of commitment. Just tell any mother they cannot possibly assure the wellbeing of their children and they will tell you how they jolly well intend to give it their best, if not tell you to go jump in the river or ask their husbands to deal with you.
Great Behinds Think Alike!
If you can find an equal degree of commitment, you might lose but you will never be defeated. Before you start to take some of this and use it to win fights or dominate situations by pretending to be sincerely listening, let me tell you that you need to learn a lot about being aware of what is behind you. You see, the idea is to always keep what is bigger than you behind you. Over long-term, it’s usually the better ones who win: those who are just, those who have stronger principles, more support, are in better alignment with the way things work or just plain better intentions.
Well, that’s at least what I believe. So if you feel like dropping in and chatting for a while, I’ve got my rocking chair in one corner of the HOB and if your problems are in any way serious, bring beer too.
Very interesting reading….very interesting thoughts…some very interesting concepts sprinkled together.
Will have to take a smoke break and read this again to really understand how the whole thing connects!
Hello,
Super post, Need to mark it on Digg
I second the beer motion. Let’s get Piyush to bring his cigarettes while we are at it. Good one, Arunesh. I especially like the heading Einstein ko relativity kyon aata hai!!! Closure is so important but so difficult. It means accepting an end that might not be the end I want. I’ve never been good with closure. I use humour, denial, escape, anything at all to tide over the difficult patch. And hard work has never been my forte.
Very interesting post Arunesh… Lots of exciting things and quite varied. I felt I had to write my views..
Taking some of the points:
• “Why do we grumble about things we haven’t done a thing to change.
• Ever wonder why you are happy to live with an obvious problem rather than solve it?
• People always carry their problems with them, in one way or the other.”
I feel this is simply because we make no sincere attempts to find a way out!! We are ‘STUCK’ in our comfort zone, with assumptions and judgments that we don’t want to change. Moreover, the dream world is so enchanting for most….What’s needed perhaps is willingness and an open mind to explore a lot of new things around that can help us become more proactive.
that too only if we really ‘WANT TO’
• “I do not know how to drive a car!!” Just the statement, brought back memories..
Solid personal experience here!! My problem was, I learnt driving at the age of 13-14 but never took the pains of taking the car out on my own. The ‘first time’ was the only problem I guess!! A year back in Delhi, I would think n think if I had to drive, and look for someone to take along, or some excuse to just get away.
Now I have the confidence to drive anywhere in the world, all by myself.
The result of just one decision – To take the car out alone one day, to a place I had never been before, that too in a new city. ‘FUN, CHALLENGING and WORTH ALL THE EFFORT.’
That day, I felt as if some knot inside me had opened up:)
(To add: Amdavadis are so helpful when it comes to showing you the way around, that they would not mind hopping in your car to take you to your destination, safe n sound…unimaginable in Delhi)
On the whole, I feel we get so used to the way we are living, because we don’t venture to discover how ‘LIFE FEELS’ when all this grumbling, holding back, resisting, day dreaming gets weaned away, even for a few moments. Once we’ve experienced that thrill, that bliss, we can’t move away from it
• “Makings of a Winner”
Awareness, Belongingness, Commitment coupled with solid Positive Intentions and an Attitude to Contribute:)
• “IF what is behind your conversation with another person is a desperate need to make yourself right, then everything that the other person says will be judged by you and used to prove yourself right. IF you are out to prove the other person wrong, you shall filter out all but those bits that give you a better argument. However, you sincerely listen with an open mind; both you and the other person learn something.”
This is simply fabulous –A very ‘Aware’ and intelligent observation, I feel
For the emotional challenges that we sometimes have to face in our relationships, I know it’s easier said than done but ‘Pain is inevitable, Suffering is optional’.
Sometimes the most creative thoughts n the biggest successes emerge after experiencing deep pain…
To add, there are some things I did not understand well (maybe I was talking to myself then, saying yes and no), but enjoyed it nevertheless..
Nice post!!
@ Rom: Closure can be done remotely too. You just need to ensure there is nothing left unexpressed. Could just as well be a letter written and not meant to be sent.
Like everything else, to get out of a ‘zone’, you need a program.
How about taking two people you haven’t kept up with and deciding (man me than lo) that you will change the way things stand between you and them. There’s a weekend coming up – lets see if you are a writer or a do-er.
Here is a tip: “What’s Behind You” means “The Space You Are Coming From – In The Context Of The Conversation.”
Hey Arunesh, What a great post! Cleary as crystal yet you really need to read this again and again to absorb what you’ve tried to convey. The effect of your writing seemed to flow naturally and it was awesome!
By the way, I liked this: How about taking two people you haven’t kept up with and deciding (man me than lo) that you will change the way things stand between you and them.
Trust me, I’m both. I do whatever it takes to keep my friends happy even when they are on the verge of abandoning me as they never get to meet me but of course, I write about it too:)