I used to think I am always right. I could identify with my mind. My thoughts were bolt and upright. This identification with my mind and thoughts created an opaque screen which was composed of ingredients like concepts, hypothesis, images, convictions and verdicts. Although this made me self enthusiast and pompous, but it took me eleven steps away from the reality.
Ego Distanced Me From Reality
May be it was when my “ego” was born. It was the ego which I preferred to term ’self esteem’. However heralding it may seem, this was the reality. It came in between me and my family, me and my friends and me and my Almighty! A screen that was not real was created, leading me into the mirage of falsehood where everything was absolute and right. It made me believe that I am my mind. Speaking more categorically, I was in a delusion. I was not using my mind. It was using me. It had taken over me!
The next phase was attaining the level of saturation. I wanted to come out of this blissful euphoria. This trance of perfectness strived to end. It was when I realized that I am not the owner. This prerogative will end. Each day ends, whether good or bad!
Then I began to observe people, thinkers and wonderers, who had adapted such thoughts for long. I was baffled. It was amazing to know that everyone had comprehended things similarly that the idea of perfectness is like a pebble lying on the shores of the vast ocean and day dreaming about its physical outward appearance. How good it looks, how apt its size is made, while the magnanimous sea of knowledge lies before it which it cannot even see due to ignorance. Although this might give it temporary happiness (ignorance being bliss), the reality is different.
My Self Realization
This introspection made me more observant. I started noticing trivial things in life. The way my breath comes in and goes out while I respire, the way bubbles appear as water falls in the bucket and disappears within a fraction of second. The tube-light flickers before finally glowing bright. The deliquescent fumes out of perfumed incense sticks are so wobbly in their path. Flowers have a quality to uplift the mood invariably for everyone throughout the world. Since big things seemed too big, smaller ones paved the path for self realization.
I realized that all the things important to me and dear to my soul – joy, peace, dignity etc., were created somewhere else and ultimately will be destroyed in oblivion. My mind was not the owner or creator of any of these. It would flutter for a while and then fly away one day like a butterfly hovering upon the flower. Then, how am I special and perfect?
After all I had begun to open my eyes and awaken!
Good to read your first post, Shivangi. It came straight from the heart, which was the best part of the post.
I am not sure I understand this – “I realized that all the things important to me and dear to my soul – joy, peace, dignity etc., were created somewhere else and ultimately will be destroyed in oblivion. My mind was not the owner or creator of any of these.”
I believe my mind is the creator of joy and peace. The same situations can be joyous or unhappy depending on how my mind perceives it. Isn’t it?
Hey Shivangi… The best thing about the post to me is that your journey on HOB started with thoughts about your self.
This posts raises interesting questions.
Is there anything called absolute truth?
Don’t we stop questioning if we accept that there is one?
I liked this thought: “Since big things seemed too big, smaller ones paved the path for self realization.”
yes, it’s funny that something our focus is so much on the big things that we forget all the small things. Buddha’s “mindfulness” teachings are oriented towards focusing on the small things – the things that actually matter. I believe there has to be a balance between small and big. Our dreams should be “big.” Our satisfaction should come from “small.”
hi hi ha ha