I was recently asked by a friend why I expected my husband to be monogamous. My immediate response was that of course he was supposed to be and that I was monogamist, so why shouldn’t I expect the same? Now, this same friend then went on to ask me why I thought people need to be monogamous and why I chose to be so. I was stumped for some time.
To define monogamy, it is a relationship in which both the partners are sexually involved with no third party. A monogamous relationship has been a concept that I have always taken for granted, without thinking that there was any alternative way of thinking about it. So, you can imagine the huge mental block I encountered when I tried to question the myth of monogamy and the reasons that made me expect it of others.
Science and the Myth of Monogamy
I guess the biggest argument against a monogamous relationship is the plain fact that men have millions of sperms at any given moment in time while their female partner might or might not have even one egg ready for fertilization. I guess, the very principle of propagation of the species would demand that men sow their wild oats as far and wide as possible.
Biologists have known for a long time that of the 5,000 or so mammal species, only about 3%-5% were monogamous animals for life. On the other hand, of the over 9,000 species of birds, about 92% are monogamist. One argument for a monogamous relationship is that it affords greater chances of survival for the young. This is because two parents can bring more food and protect their offspring better than one alone.
Jane Lancaster, evolutionary anthropologist at the University of New Mexico, says, “There is plenty of evidence that males have less to lose than females by having extramarital sex. Having less to lose, it’s easier for them to do it.” Women, on the other hand, stand to lose all the resources her mate can offer in terms of raising her children. “For women, the well-being of their children is not improved by promiscuity,” Lancaster adds.
As GK Chesterton put it, it isn’t as though monogamy has been tried extensively and found wanting, instead it has been “found difficult and often left untried” or not tried for very long.
Questioning the Myth of Monogamy
Is it really then our moral upbringing and society’s need to create order the primary reason behind monogamy? Is the guilt that we feel while fantasizing about other partners part of that learning? Are the feelings of insecurity and jealousy, brought about just by the thought of my husband building his own harem or at the very least having a one-night stand, learned responses?
If infants have infancy, what do adults have? Adultery?
Awesome, informative post and it is so well written! It got me thinking about my monogamous state too. I must work on updating my status soon:)
It is difficult to argue for monogamy beyond the simple truth that it creates the best environment to bring up children…
But then sometimes one reason is good enough to make decisions for some of us
Monogamy refers to being married to a single at any time. So is marriage only about physical relationship? Would it be still be a monogamous state if there was no physical intimacy with “outsiders”.
Fascinating post. Interesting how the constructs of society have been set up historically for the woman to lose everything. In today’s world though, women sometimes make more than men or are in fact the bread winner while the husband stays home and tends to the children. In this paradigm, does the woman act on her desires for another? It would be an interesting study.
In gay relationships (male to male) many practice successfully “open” style relationships. In contrast, lesbians do not. It may be true that lesbians stay together longer, but I challenge anyone to get a group of committed men and committed women gays/lesbians and you will see that the men appear happier, more loving and connected to each other. The women are the exact opposite. I am a lesbian and for the past 15 years have observed this interesting behavior within my community. Lesbian relationships, typically seem to suck the happiness out of the whole relationship within a span of about 9 years. This is my own observation and not a formal study.
I have experienced all sides of this coin. I wonder would us women be happier individuals if we had one partner and several lovers that indulge us in our most inner desires. Or can one person provide ALL of that consistently until you die. GAH! Thanks for this thought provoking post.