It is not wrong to have expectations. It is not bad to expect things from people. However, expectations need the right mix of compassion, love and understanding. Without proper understanding, expectations will invariably be the wrong ones… the perfect formula to set yourself up for disappointment.
Think about all the times that you have expected something from someone and that person has not delivered. Mostly, it is not the other person’s failure at delivering. It is your expectation that needed resetting.
Know Me? Then Know What to Expect
Often I find my friends saying, “I always call you, but you never call me.” They forget that I am always happy to talk to them, but I am not good with making phone calls. The expectation should be that I love to talk to them, not that I call them. Sometimes I may be busy. The expectation should be that I tell them truthfully that I am busy and not try to multitask, giving them only half the attention. Expect me to be truthful and have faith in the friendship is what I expect J. Don’t expect me to call you on your birthday, but expect me to try to turn the world around if you’re having a bad day. That’s me… if you know me, you will set your expectations correctly and never be disappointed.
What’s Worse?
There are two things worse than wrong expectations:
- Badly defined expectations – Have you ever felt bad about something that someone did (or did not do) and not know why you felt bad? That is probably because your expectation was not well defined. The thing to do would be to identify what you expect and then communicate with the person about whether that is a valid expectation.
- Not having expectations at all – “I don’t have any expectations from you.” This is probably the worst thing anyone can ever tell me. It sounds to me like “I know you are such a loser that no one can expect anything from you.” Of course, you can have expectations only from people you know very well… exactly the way you have expectations from yourself.
Valid/Invalid Expectations
I have randomly listed what I believe are valid and invalid expectations:
| Do | Don’t |
| Expect people to make themselves happy. | Don’t expect them to make you happy. (That is your responsibility) |
| Expect people to pursue their dreams. | Don’t expect them to pursue what you dream for them. |
| Expect people to tell you when they do not feel like talking to you. | Don’t expect them to want to talk to you at all times. |
| Expect people to love. | Don’t expect them to love you. |
| Expect people to love you. | Don’t expect them to express the love in a particular way. |
| Expect people to express. | Don’t expect that they will express at a time that is right for you. |
| Expect people to be there for you. | Don’t expect that they will be there physically. |
| Expect people to do their best. | Don’t expect them to do the best for you. |
Recalling my Class 9 science lessons, a man on whom an apple fell said, “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” What we need to understand is that you calling your friend and your friend calling you back are TWO DIFFERENT ACTIONS. The reaction to the action of your calling him is not a call from him. The reaction may be the happiness you get by performing that action or the transfer of information that takes place.
A call from your friend is a totally separate action. Once you understand that there is a difference and are able to isolate the two actions, things will be much clearer. Expectations would be positive.